by Sledski Tobogganyev, Sochisports Field Reporter
Today, sledding specialist Molly of the Galvin Middle School Olympic Team set two course records on the hill behind the Bear Hill Country Club. Mozell hurtled down the icy course on Green Plastic Sled and Plastic Inflatable Tube a distance over 500 meters before coming to a stop, as measured by the most accurate Russian Digisled instrumentation.
The IOC selected this remote location in Stoneham, Massachusetts, USA for the new plastic sled downhill category, to avoid the rush of crowds and hungry reporters who would have smothered this event, had it been held in Sochi. The event was not without controversy however. It has been rumored that Mozell has been using a banned substance known as Hot Chocolate to improve her performance. When asked about her alleged usage Mozell only had this to say, “Speak to my lawyers. My team-mates at the Galvin have been using HC for years without incident. I’m being singled out by the IOC.”
Mozell also responded to questions about secret engineering advances that may have supported her record-breaking performances today. She said, “These new sleds designed by the Ace Hardware Speed Group (AHSG) are remarkable. I call them Sled Firebolt286 and Tube Hogwarts789.” Dozens of photographers fell over each other while attempting to get stealth images of the low-friction fairings and gliding surfaces on the revolutionary vehicles. There is little doubt that teams at the next Olympics will be mimicking the design features so successfully demonstrated today.
Mozell credited the Multi-colored Yarn Company with the design and construction of her pace-setting uniform. It is unknown at this point it she knitted the uniform herself or if it was built by a squadron of skilled reindeer herders living near the Arctic Circle.